Silicon Valley, Out of Ideas, Invents Wheels 2.0

This company is not paying for this article. Really!!!!

Tim Caster of the Silicon Valley startup Rotately has an idea that will transform the world, triangular wheels, or as he terms it, “Wheels 2.0.” “We have just been rolling around the same way for millennia, and it is time to change that,” the recent Stanford Grad exclaims while sipping boba tea in the tiny but popular Unbobably Delish tea shop.

“We are literally at the brink of a new age of human civilization,” he says, “where we will begin to do many of our jobs with triangle wheels.” This upcoming transformation will change the skills required in most jobs. For example, as wheels become more triangular, slow, jerky vehicles of all types will overtake walking humans as not being particularly fast. Moreover, as this new version of wheels transforms how companies do business, many think who does the work will also change: Organizations will start replacing human employees with giant hard-to-roll triangles.

Rotately’s hipster Wheel 2.0 electric car in front of Unbobably Delish boba tea shop.

As a result, some jobs will become quite bumpy, with workers forced to learn to just enjoy the jolting rides. The only problem is that people will have to be re-qualified and taught new skills to compete for the latest Wheels 2.0 jobs. The silver lining is that new jobs will come in spine and neck surgery.

The new wheels will never be able to replace some wheels because some people actually like to get places quickly without injury, but Caster pushes back, “you’ve got to break things to see what works, and this will break things.” Caster pulls out a little model car with triangle wheels and accidentally tips his boba tea onto the floor when trying to demo it on the tea shop’s table. “See, it works!”

With that in mind, we looked at Wheels 2.0 startups that are either replacing circular wheels with triangles or are using other shapes, such as squares or rectangles, using emerging technologies such as AI Etch A Sketch.

Zuckerberg’s new disturbing triangle wheel head. Really, I don’t like it at all.

From Google and Amazon to Apple and Microsoft, every big tech company is considering pouring resources into breakthroughs in wheel technology. While the major players are racing to incorporate new exciting wheel designs into their products, other companies are working diligently on developing their intelligent wheel technologies and services. For example, Facebook’s parent company, Meta, has hired some of the best-known wheel talents, hoping the advances can be integrated into the company’s Metaverse as a replacement for Mark Zuckerberg’s head.

Rotational technology is undoubtedly moving forward rapidly, and sensationalism sells in today’s click-driven media landscape, but just because spinning around in circles (or rather triangles) could replace the human worker does not mean that is what we will always want. Technology is marching forward inexorably, and to argue otherwise is silly. However, there are still critical things, such as humans not lurching about on wheels, that frankly do not really work.

Rotately’s Tim Caster, with what might be boba tea, dreaming of an all-triangle future.

Nevertheless, Wheels 2.0 has the potential to transform any sector where humans are required to push things around, from wheelbarrows to electric unicycles to mobile laser weapon pads. Although new strangely shaped twirly things will displace more traditional wheels, the experts believe in the creativity of humans to build new jobs, industries, and new ways of making money with things that actually do not work – just as grifters have always done. According to Pivot Research, about half (48%) of the experts polled think the new wheel technology will replace everything that rolls, ushering in a new age of moving around very slowly, and spilling huge quantities of boba tea.

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